Off the Grid

Wild hogs are a menace in the south. They chew up crops and are downright dangerous. I had my introduction to them in central Florida when I met a couple hunters that needed help dragging a 200 lbs hog out of the bush. These things are huge! A few hours later I was eating fresh hog meat.

A few weeks later I caught a new show on cable called "Hogs Gone Wild." It was on between Man vs. Wild, Dual Survivor, and other programs loosely based on my life. These guys are "professional" hog exterminators. They get a call and come out with shiny trucks, dogs with armour, and nice polos. However, what they don't have or carry is a shotgun loaded with buckshot.

I know from my redneck friends in Florida that if you want to take  out a wild hog without messing around, you use a shotgun. They are available at walmart for a couple hundred bucks and they allow you to kill a hog from a good distance away quickly, relatively painlessly, and safely.

I know from this new show and from hicks I've who are into torturing animals, that the other way to take out a hog is to run dogs on them. This involves buying several dogs from a breeder, fitting them with body armour so the hog can't gouge vital organs, then releasing these dogs to go attack and pin down a wild hog. Then the "sportsman" or "professional" ties the hog, takes it home, fattens it up, and then shoots it for meat.

Needless to say, I was pretty surprised to see a show based on this technique. Not only is it time consuming, but it subjects the hunter and his dogs to completely unnecessary danger. They will make reality TV out of anything if it's entertaining, but this is a new level of pointless. I know why I don't have my own Reality spot and the reason is practicality. Notice the difference:

Hogs Gone Wild- run dog, dog gets gored, first aid, return with more dogs and EMT, armour up, wrestle with hog, tie it, load it into truck. Mas drama, muy dangeroso.

Rich's Version- hog spotted, cover your ears, loud noise, job done, make more money, spend time saved eating bacon.

My only consolation is the delicious bacon wrapped pork loin that didn't cost me a major laceration from tusks and the resulting systemic infection. Enjoy hospital food you amateurs!